Friday 3 April 2009

Chianging the Mai and Banging the Cock

GREETINGS FROM BANGCOCK!
how are you all?????
we're shvitzing. as per usual.

The story continues as we enter our final hours in the cockiest bang around.
We feel for today, a new approach to our storytelling should be tried and tested. We're thinking a Q&A session....

So, Olivia and Rosa, what did you think of Chiang Mai?
Crap.

Rrrrriiiiggght..... care to elaborate.... your mothers are reading this afterall (and as they remind you so often, they brought you into this world, they can take you out....)?
Fine. It has no SOUL. Each street looks the same. Except for 'slut-street' where all the prostitutes scream and try to entice you into their brothels (apparently they're just bars.... but who calls their bar '69' and has ladies of the night splayed out across it's entrance????). Needless to say it did nothing to improve our opinions of Chiang Mai. We did find one nice bar... called THC. Which really says it all. It was on the roof and was vehery hippyish and sold buckets of orange vomity stuff which tasted like.... orange vomity stuff. we LOVED IT.
and we also loved the falafel shop.
and we ALSO loved olivia's cousin. who brought her clothes. and saved us from the awfulness of Chiang Mai.
We salute him.
BUT we did stay at quite a nice place. we had a tv and spent many an afternoon watching one shockingly awful movie that we never knew existed. (we also spent many an afternoon sleeping.)

Productive. How did you make your way to Bangkok then ladiez?
BY AN OVERNIGHT COACH with velvety seats and free doughnuts! It really wasn't half as bad as we'd prepared ourselves for. Rosa even managed to take up three seats which was nice and cozy, although drew some confused looks from the Thai army soldier (who come on at every checkpoint to look at IDs). But it did produce a sleepless night. And 3 doughnuts weren't nearly enough.

And then?
We were in Bangkok. Obviously.
Although we got very lost in Bangkok very early in the morning as we couldn't find our darned hostel. And we were very tired. And hungry. And thirsty. And generally not lookin' our best. Olive got left with the baggies up a thai alleyway whilst Rosa scowered the streets and did her best impression of Dr Mark Sloane/Inspector Tom Barnaby/Inspector Gadget and found the hostel in about an hour. Considering it was about 10 meters away..... it was fine work.

So.... Bangkok.... Hell's Kitchen??? Paradise Lost??? Wotsit like?
WELL, we were prepared to hate it. But we don't. Although last night's walk back dodging rats and cockroaches did nearly dent our spirit.
It's insane.
The roads are motorways and the shopping centers are cities. We decided to be incredibly adventurous on our first day and walked ALL THE WAY to the park. and sat down. But then we went to the shopping area via Bangkoks version of Fifth Avenue (an accident we might add) which was pretty surreal given the poverty stricken state of Thailand that we had so far experienced. Anyhoo, we spent hours traipsing/trampsing, half asleep, around miles and miles of shopping centres... gazing into the windows of Chanel and every single shop advertised in Vogue ever. We looked completely out of place. HAVE YOU SEEN OLIVIA'S LEGS?????
But we have experienced a Bangcockian cinema which are really on a different level. The size of the cinema screen was like a football pitch. Fo shizzle. And you have to stand up before the movie to watch a piece of shameless propaganda promoting the king. Don't worry. We made it obvious we weren't happy about this and sighed, crossed our arms and burped all the way through the 'orrible video montage.

What's next for you gorgeous, charming, charismatic, adventurous.... if a little sweaty.... girls?
THE ISLANDS! BEACHES! SAND! SEA! MORE BEACHES! MORE SAND! LOTS OF SEA!
SANGRIA! although.... neither of us are sure if we've ever had sangria.... but it seems fitting?
So... pray for us... as tonight we get an overnight train to either Champoon or Champorn... possibly Champon.... probably Chamtampon.... travelling third class, arriving at 3am tomorrow morning.
It's not like we did this on purpose.... we set out trying to get 2nd class sleeper seats on the 22.50 train.... we even decided we wanted a lower berth (whatever that is). somehow two very bemused north london girls walked out of the station with two 3rd class seats on the 19.30 train.
shite.

but it'll make for quite a story.... we hope...
we're thinking a bit of Hong Thong will assist our journey. that's whiskey. we'll let you know how it goes... IF WE LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.

So... we must go and be violated. robbed. diseased. arsoned. and generally mingle with the poor.
it's like your average day in heaven.

CHAT YOU ALL LATER!
lots and lots of love,
Olivia and Rosa
x


(p.s. Lily Aaronovitch - never, EVER go to bangkok. it's the sort of place that you would find so utterly hellish you cannot even comprehend it. trust us.)
(p.p.s. Nickie Williamson, you'll LOVE IT)


1 comment:

  1. Right Losers.

    I see that you have been inundated with comments since I left and have been truly dedicated with updating the blog.

    I am now back at school spending all my time in the office.

    Rubbish.

    x

    ReplyDelete